Dedicated to himself

He was bad tempered, now he's no more

But now he's so pessimist, down he go

Now he's lost himself, kneeling down to the floor

When I scroll down Facebook timeline, or Twitter, Facebook especially; I just can't help myself comparing myself to others. I mean, no, I don't mean that I'm comparing saying myself better than the others. It's totally the opposite. It's just me being envious of others' lives. They're looking so great, they travelled, they get married, they seemed so happy and content, they're this and that. And so I never stop reminding myself to be grateful for what I have. And I am. I really am grateful.

But as often as I remind myself to be grateful, I keep asking myself too; where am I now (compare to the others)? What am I doing now? What have I achieve? Why this and why that? The main thing is why can't I ever be happy and content with myself? All of these that happen, are the reason I am feeling so lonely right now. I drifted away from people. Sometimes I don't even know what my problems are. I don't know what I want.

Of course I know what I want. I want to sing and make music. But all that I've been doing means nothing now. It was not easy to find that courage to audition for this one singing reality competition. And to ruin all of the hard work and sacrifices, it took just one little action. After what happened, trust can't be easily put on anyone else right anymore. All the things I've ever dream so long, just vanished.

Maybe it's also my fault for not standing up for myself. I was too scared, I was traumatized, I lost hope, lost my trust, I didn't know what I was gonna do. So I just decided to leave and quit when I was halfway to finish recording my single. Without words. I keep asking myself what does it have to be me? Why, from a group of people, is it I'm the one who have to go through this?

This post, I'm writing, is basically sourced from my enviousness towards my dear friends who once were in the running together and I became one of the top but look where I'm now and how they're doing. CJ, he's got a single and charted and is probably working on his second. Ezzy is in KL working with Malaysia's big composers, Camy is signed to the same record label as Najwa Latiff, Syamin with famous composer Ajai, Abby and Audrey recorded a trio with Cassie, Rez is also working with renowned composer as well.

I could have stayed but I was too scared. I ditched the only chance I could get to realize my dream.