Dedicated to himself

He was bad tempered, now he's no more

But now he's so pessimist, down he go

Now he's lost himself, kneeling down to the floor

When I scroll down Facebook timeline, or Twitter, Facebook especially; I just can't help myself comparing myself to others. I mean, no, I don't mean that I'm comparing saying myself better than the others. It's totally the opposite. It's just me being envious of others' lives. They're looking so great, they travelled, they get married, they seemed so happy and content, they're this and that. And so I never stop reminding myself to be grateful for what I have. And I am. I really am grateful.

But as often as I remind myself to be grateful, I keep asking myself too; where am I now (compare to the others)? What am I doing now? What have I achieve? Why this and why that? The main thing is why can't I ever be happy and content with myself? All of these that happen, are the reason I am feeling so lonely right now. I drifted away from people. Sometimes I don't even know what my problems are. I don't know what I want.

Of course I know what I want. I want to sing and make music. But all that I've been doing means nothing now. It was not easy to find that courage to audition for this one singing reality competition. And to ruin all of the hard work and sacrifices, it took just one little action. After what happened, trust can't be easily put on anyone else right anymore. All the things I've ever dream so long, just vanished.

Maybe it's also my fault for not standing up for myself. I was too scared, I was traumatized, I lost hope, lost my trust, I didn't know what I was gonna do. So I just decided to leave and quit when I was halfway to finish recording my single. Without words. I keep asking myself what does it have to be me? Why, from a group of people, is it I'm the one who have to go through this?

This post, I'm writing, is basically sourced from my enviousness towards my dear friends who once were in the running together and I became one of the top but look where I'm now and how they're doing. CJ, he's got a single and charted and is probably working on his second. Ezzy is in KL working with Malaysia's big composers, Camy is signed to the same record label as Najwa Latiff, Syamin with famous composer Ajai, Abby and Audrey recorded a trio with Cassie, Rez is also working with renowned composer as well.

I could have stayed but I was too scared. I ditched the only chance I could get to realize my dream.

Talk & Speak

I think I just found out the ultimate reason why I prefer to stay silent when sitting down with people, not talking much. I would usually just conclude myself as a boring person, having nothing to say or to tell or to share and somehow that kind of bring down my level of self-esteem sometimes.

The fact is, what really happen, when I'm around people that I'm comfortable with, I'm a different person. I sure have lots to talk about. What I diagnosed myself with just now was this problem with poor vocabulary be it English, Malay or the other two languages I speak. On a scale of 1 to 10, not any of the language I speak is as fluent as, probably 7. In other words, my vocabulary is poor.

I sure have lots of story to tell but subconsciously, I choose to keep it to myself because I'm afraid it would be boring. Why? Because it happened. When you try to tell a story, you have to be confident. You cannot stutter. You cannot have a long pause. You must have a proper storyline. All of these, take into account, you would make a good story teller and better yet, you don't bore people when you're socializing.

So, as to relate between having a poor vocabulary and the effects on your speaking and talking - when you don't know how to convey certain things through words; for example, you don't how certain actions or verbs are called or perhaps you have no idea what certain things are called - it could really mess up your speech. That would result you being a stutter and pause for as long as the TV commercial breaks. Simple as that.

Well, I'm sure there are few more reasons to this matter. If I'm quiet, maybe it's just one of these days where I don't feel like talking. Yes, I do have this kind of thing. Sometimes, I think talking or speaking consumes so much energy that I could get tired easily and annoyed and I would swallow my words or mumble or something. One thing for sure though, if I'm quiet, it would never be because of the 'time of the month'. I don't, have, 'the time of the month'. That's a joke. :D

Watch Me

Strayed. Lost focus. New year does not always mean you can immediately change or become anew. It always start from yourself, from within, in order to really execute the plan to change. Any day of the year, it wouldn't matter.

Strayed and lost focus, are what literally happening to me right now. It's only January but the enthusiasm to make those changes I wanted to make almost already gone. It's only January, this is my second blog post. Only. Second.

BUT

I'm not going to let this prolong. I will try my best to push myself everyday to bring out the best out of myself. I will not play safe anymore except for sex, except that if I'm married and wanna have children. Lol. Okay, seriously. I will make my minds happen for real. I will get what I want, I won't waste anymore time! I believe I can do this! Yes, I do! I have talent and I can be great in so many things. 

Yes, I will.  You just watch.

Happy New Year 2014

I remember telling myself a few things a week or so before the new year, even on the new year's eve - first thing I was going to do is that I should pick one day before the new year, to de-clutter my room and to let go of the things I won't be needing anymore - it was not executed. A few hours before the new year's eve, I was staying at home to be with my family. I was on my bed, being a bit contemplative mostly trying to figure out what am I going to do with my life in this year to come. There are a few things I could remember - I was going to buy a new 2014 planner and make full use of it, I was going to list my new year resolutions and goals and I was going to blog or write more. Eleven days after the new year kicked in, I only managed to buy a planner and started blogging, today.

Which comes to this new blog I started up. I have another blog goes by the name Akobia which is an acronym for "Aku Orang Biasa", in English, "I'm An Ordinary People." I haven't been writing anything in that blog since months ago. I just stopped. I would like to try to be more positive and uplifting, to myself at least. (That sounds like a great new year resolution!) Being ordinary sounds to me more like giving up on life than uplifting, doesn't it? Hence, I name this blog Believe! Why 'Believe!'? I will write about it in my next post.

Happy New Year 2014! Have a great year ahead.