Courage

This blog doesn't seem to go very well as planned. I just undeleted this blog. I can't recall when did I deleted it. Funny how sometimes I think my blog pretty much a manifest of my life in a way that I being indecisive, being lost in my own world, no idea what to do or say or write, confuse of my purpose to write in the first place, confuse about my directions in life, feels like that I have too much on my plate, too much to digest, too much to consume but - is it really?

And now I suddenly felt like writing again.

I have to pour something out because this particular event has been haunting me for quite sometimes. I get uninviting flashbacks of this event and it really bothers me. Although as time went by I can take lesser time to shake it off. I don't know why. Looking back, I am not supposed to be experiencing this level of traumaticity, if that's even a word. Maybe because I never experience it before.

Ten months ago, I joined a singing competition. It was one of the best life changing experience for me. I met new good friends or in fact, a new family. It's true that one wise man said, "Friendship is not about how long you've known each other or how much fights you've had. What matters is who said, I'll be there for you," and always was and still is." All of us had just been together for a couple of weeks but we were already like brothers and sisters. We had fun together during or outside of our classes, while busking around the city, we cried and comfort each other when we pour out our hearts, we had fights but I am sure deep inside, we never wanted the days were over.

I was very closed to one of these guys. I respect him as a brother or better yet because he was my boss, obviously. He became more than just a boss. We share lots of things about ourselves - our childhood memories, our problems, our likes and dislikes, our hobbies and even relationship. We spent a lot of time together even after the competition ended. It was like we have been known each other very long. He has done lots of noble things and good deeds which is why I looked up to him so much. He comes from a rich family yet he is so humble. For someone his age and has a lot to manage in his life being a young CEO to multiple companies, he is a tough guy not to mention that he is also smart. He has everything that I wanted in myself. The togetherness that he has.

But he said he was lonely. He told me he had a girlfriend but it did not worked out. Being a businessman, he meets tons of people but never get the chance to take another relationship further. As in a very special relationship. At least that was what he told me. It is not easy for him because of the position he is in. We sleep in the same bed, of course we did some pillow talks before we go to sleep. As we went on, I figured that, because he has helped me a lot, uncountable lots, I should return the favour by being the best company I can to him. 

I was signed to the newly established music label after the competition. I did not win but I was in the top six who made it to the final. Thanks to him. There were so many things happened after the competition which I can't really tell here but it's rather unnecessary anyway. After all of the things he had done for me, the more I think that I should be there listening to him. I myself is helpless, that's all I could do for him. Listen. And also do what I can do best for the music label - singing in shows, attend the vocal classes, practice and practice.

That was when I started to feel I'm stuck. I needed my space back. As much I want to return the favour, I wanted my personal space back. Even after that, I was surprise because I was getting the words that implies that people were being cynical about us being really close. But I did not react. Because I believe in what it really was. It was merely, me being under the contract with the company's music label, happened to be living together with him in the company house, no one I am really close with in town, not even my cousins to go out with, I have no transport to move by my own - so that was all I can do, I just had to follow him around. And the most important part is, I was returning the favour. But I was glad some friends understand my situation.

One night in September, something happened.

I can't even begin to tell how it started. Even to tell no one but this blog, need a lot of courage and emotion control. 

I was sleeping. When I woke up because I felt someone is touching me, I was lying on my back, pillow on top of my face. I was instantly freshed. I remember I was so shocked that my heart pumped uncontrollably. I can hear it in my ear. I gulped a few times but I was trying to control the sound of it because I didn't want him to know that I'm awake. I don't know why. Maybe because I didn't want him to feel bad or maybe I didn't want to feel awkward if we both realize what happened. I just didn't know what to do but stunned in my position for a period of time before I collect myself together and decided to roll around pretending to moan in my sleep or whatsoever to deviate his hand from my thigh. And I did roll around but my heart was racing still. It was around 3 in the morning and my nightmare lasted almost an hour.

In the morning when we woke up, I acted like nothing had happen. I was more than furious than I was shocked by that time but I could still keep my composure. That morning, I had to follow him to his office because he was going to send me to my vocal class later in the afternoon. I was silent all the way, I was annoyed by the questions he asked as he was trying to make a conversation. I don't know if he knew that I was awake the whole night after it happened. I don't know if he even realize that I knew. Or maybe he really thought that I was asleep and really rolled around like someone who's really in a deep sleep.

In the class, I did bad. I thought I did the best I could but it wasn't. As usual, being the boss and supervisor in the same time, he was sitting there and watching me practice, as he would do to the others as well. I was feeling the pressure getting into me. Out of nowhere, before I even knew it, both of them were lecturing me, asking me how much I wanted this, telling me that if I don't want this, I shouldn't waste their times, because there are lots of talents out there who want this more than I do, how it takes hardwork and determination to stand out from others, how I was being so closed if I have any problem that I should be more open and tell them what I want for my music et cetera.

I took a seat and keep my composure and just listen to what they have to say although in the same time I was more than upset. I was more than furious. I wanted to burst out in anger but I could keep myself together. I was up all morning because of the event and I didn't have enough rest and I was also tired. What they were saying, it's all the truth except that I have been open up myself to the boss ever since I joined the competition. Maybe not everything but not every single thing is meant to be shared. There are things, that should remain secret. It's just the way it is.

After they slowed down a little, I was still above my head. Thousands of thoughts running through my mind. I could really feel the blood rushing in my veins. I was still holding back my anger. In the same time, I wanted to burst out in tears. I didn't know what it was for but I know I was so down. And so I pull myself together and asked my teacher if we had finished the class. As soon as she said, yes, I immediately grabbed my bag and stormed out the door. I went to the nearest shopping malls and lingered around all by myself, trying to shake things off of my head. I stayed there for a couple of hours figuring out what I should do. It feels like time were limited for me. I was a mess.

Thinking that I just got my driving license, I thought I should rent a car. And I did. I wanted to rent only for a few hours because of my limited money but I couldn't find any. So I rented for a whole 24 hours. I went to the beach, I went to see my friend, I went to another malls. That night, I stayed over at a good friend's place. I was thinking to stay at my cousin's but they already have enough people in the house. I really wouldn't want them to bother about me. Maybe it's easier to socialize with friends than your own family. It is, for me. And so, my friend he was the one I came out to about what happened. I feel like a part of the burden has been lifted off of me but it was still there. I didn't know if I should cry or what.

The next morning, I went to see my grandparents from Miri who happened to be in town for some business my aunt had to help them with. I brought them around. I felt like at peace but inside I am crumbling asking for help but I just could not let it show yet. I really did not know what to do. After sending my grandparents at my cousin's, I drove wherever I told myself to go. When the time had come for me to send the car back to its owner, I was in a mall, so he picked the car there and I was nowhere to go. It was raining heavily.

Suddenly, I received a text from my brother saying that he's in town for job training and he was staying at the hotel nearby and he asked me if I can bring him around. I feel like the universe is being sympathetic towards me, hence sending all my family near me. Unfortunately, I just sent my car and couldn't see him right away. I wanted to go back to the company house to pack my stuff but I didn't have enough money with me to take a cab and I was alone waiting and hoping there would be at least a public bus passing by so I can go to see my brother. I wait for almost an hour. I cried, literally cried at the bus stop. Not because it was getting dark and there seem to be no bus will pass by but I was crying wondering why was this happening to me.

I took a whole lot of courage in those couple of days. I took another one by texting the boss, asking why he was doing what he was doing and he said he don't know what I was talking about. He said he was probably doing it in his sleep, he didn't realize it and he apologized. But I knew for a fact it was not something people could do in their sleep. A hand was moving little by little on my thigh and another hand was caressing my arm below my armpit. And after I rolled around avoiding his hand from reaching somewhere else, being in the same bed, I could feel and hear he went off the bed and take his phone and put it back on the table. Even when I had a pillow on top my face, I still could had a peek. I am sure he was fully awake. And even after, he was trying to get his hand back on but eventually stopped. I just really think that perhaps he didn't know I was awake the whole time.

So, I hopped in on one bus which luckily on a route back to the bus station which passing the hotel my brother was staying in. I hung out with my brother for awhile to keep myself busy while still figuring out how and what to do. I hadn't shower for a day. I took a quick shower at my friend's in the morning because I literally had nothing with me. I didn't want to go back to the company house because I didn't want to face the boss. But later the night before, he texted me, telling me he's staying at his cousin's and he's travelling the next day and asking me to go back because no one will be looking after the company house. But I didn't go back and stayed over at my friend's instead.

So early the second night I haven't settled. But deep inside, I wanted to give it all up and go home to see my family. So I decided. I get help from my friend to transport me back and forth, from the hotel and went back to the company house and pack my bags as fast as I could as if I was running from somebody who is coming after me. I left nothing except a message pretty much saying, I quit. And then my friend sent me to the intercity bus station and I bought a one way ticket home. My family have no idea.

It was sad, really. Being in the music label was probably the only way to realize my long time dream. I'm 24 and it's not easy to find an opportunity like that. But I just can't go back there. My song was already halfway finished but I just couldn't do it. I completely lost interest in it. Somehow now I feel bad for walking away just like that because the fact that I have met lots of people who probably expecting for the song and I don't know what to tell people when they're asking about the song. I'm sad and upset but I have no regrets.

I envy my friends who are still in the label, the label got them into shows, one of them gets to work with renowned composers, one of them is now working on his second record. I'm envious but I'm happy for them because they didn't have to go through what I went through and also because they are on the journey to become successful performers. Some of them who are not under the label also making a good progress on their own. As for me, I'm back to my old self. I'm learning guitar from Youtube tutorials, making covers and sing in the shower. And trying to pull myself together and figure out what I can do for myself.

I wish I can delete memories so that I wouldn't get anymore flashbacks but it can never happen that way. 

Dedicated to himself

He was bad tempered, now he's no more

But now he's so pessimist, down he go

Now he's lost himself, kneeling down to the floor

When I scroll down Facebook timeline, or Twitter, Facebook especially; I just can't help myself comparing myself to others. I mean, no, I don't mean that I'm comparing saying myself better than the others. It's totally the opposite. It's just me being envious of others' lives. They're looking so great, they travelled, they get married, they seemed so happy and content, they're this and that. And so I never stop reminding myself to be grateful for what I have. And I am. I really am grateful.

But as often as I remind myself to be grateful, I keep asking myself too; where am I now (compare to the others)? What am I doing now? What have I achieve? Why this and why that? The main thing is why can't I ever be happy and content with myself? All of these that happen, are the reason I am feeling so lonely right now. I drifted away from people. Sometimes I don't even know what my problems are. I don't know what I want.

Of course I know what I want. I want to sing and make music. But all that I've been doing means nothing now. It was not easy to find that courage to audition for this one singing reality competition. And to ruin all of the hard work and sacrifices, it took just one little action. After what happened, trust can't be easily put on anyone else right anymore. All the things I've ever dream so long, just vanished.

Maybe it's also my fault for not standing up for myself. I was too scared, I was traumatized, I lost hope, lost my trust, I didn't know what I was gonna do. So I just decided to leave and quit when I was halfway to finish recording my single. Without words. I keep asking myself what does it have to be me? Why, from a group of people, is it I'm the one who have to go through this?

This post, I'm writing, is basically sourced from my enviousness towards my dear friends who once were in the running together and I became one of the top but look where I'm now and how they're doing. CJ, he's got a single and charted and is probably working on his second. Ezzy is in KL working with Malaysia's big composers, Camy is signed to the same record label as Najwa Latiff, Syamin with famous composer Ajai, Abby and Audrey recorded a trio with Cassie, Rez is also working with renowned composer as well.

I could have stayed but I was too scared. I ditched the only chance I could get to realize my dream.

Talk & Speak

I think I just found out the ultimate reason why I prefer to stay silent when sitting down with people, not talking much. I would usually just conclude myself as a boring person, having nothing to say or to tell or to share and somehow that kind of bring down my level of self-esteem sometimes.

The fact is, what really happen, when I'm around people that I'm comfortable with, I'm a different person. I sure have lots to talk about. What I diagnosed myself with just now was this problem with poor vocabulary be it English, Malay or the other two languages I speak. On a scale of 1 to 10, not any of the language I speak is as fluent as, probably 7. In other words, my vocabulary is poor.

I sure have lots of story to tell but subconsciously, I choose to keep it to myself because I'm afraid it would be boring. Why? Because it happened. When you try to tell a story, you have to be confident. You cannot stutter. You cannot have a long pause. You must have a proper storyline. All of these, take into account, you would make a good story teller and better yet, you don't bore people when you're socializing.

So, as to relate between having a poor vocabulary and the effects on your speaking and talking - when you don't know how to convey certain things through words; for example, you don't how certain actions or verbs are called or perhaps you have no idea what certain things are called - it could really mess up your speech. That would result you being a stutter and pause for as long as the TV commercial breaks. Simple as that.

Well, I'm sure there are few more reasons to this matter. If I'm quiet, maybe it's just one of these days where I don't feel like talking. Yes, I do have this kind of thing. Sometimes, I think talking or speaking consumes so much energy that I could get tired easily and annoyed and I would swallow my words or mumble or something. One thing for sure though, if I'm quiet, it would never be because of the 'time of the month'. I don't, have, 'the time of the month'. That's a joke. :D

Watch Me

Strayed. Lost focus. New year does not always mean you can immediately change or become anew. It always start from yourself, from within, in order to really execute the plan to change. Any day of the year, it wouldn't matter.

Strayed and lost focus, are what literally happening to me right now. It's only January but the enthusiasm to make those changes I wanted to make almost already gone. It's only January, this is my second blog post. Only. Second.

BUT

I'm not going to let this prolong. I will try my best to push myself everyday to bring out the best out of myself. I will not play safe anymore except for sex, except that if I'm married and wanna have children. Lol. Okay, seriously. I will make my minds happen for real. I will get what I want, I won't waste anymore time! I believe I can do this! Yes, I do! I have talent and I can be great in so many things. 

Yes, I will.  You just watch.

Happy New Year 2014

I remember telling myself a few things a week or so before the new year, even on the new year's eve - first thing I was going to do is that I should pick one day before the new year, to de-clutter my room and to let go of the things I won't be needing anymore - it was not executed. A few hours before the new year's eve, I was staying at home to be with my family. I was on my bed, being a bit contemplative mostly trying to figure out what am I going to do with my life in this year to come. There are a few things I could remember - I was going to buy a new 2014 planner and make full use of it, I was going to list my new year resolutions and goals and I was going to blog or write more. Eleven days after the new year kicked in, I only managed to buy a planner and started blogging, today.

Which comes to this new blog I started up. I have another blog goes by the name Akobia which is an acronym for "Aku Orang Biasa", in English, "I'm An Ordinary People." I haven't been writing anything in that blog since months ago. I just stopped. I would like to try to be more positive and uplifting, to myself at least. (That sounds like a great new year resolution!) Being ordinary sounds to me more like giving up on life than uplifting, doesn't it? Hence, I name this blog Believe! Why 'Believe!'? I will write about it in my next post.

Happy New Year 2014! Have a great year ahead.