This blog doesn't seem to go very well as planned. I just undeleted this blog. I can't recall when did I deleted it. Funny how sometimes I think my blog pretty much a manifest of my life in a way that I being indecisive, being lost in my own world, no idea what to do or say or write, confuse of my purpose to write in the first place, confuse about my directions in life, feels like that I have too much on my plate, too much to digest, too much to consume but - is it really?
And now I suddenly felt like writing again.
I have to pour something out because this particular event has been haunting me for quite sometimes. I get uninviting flashbacks of this event and it really bothers me. Although as time went by I can take lesser time to shake it off. I don't know why. Looking back, I am not supposed to be experiencing this level of traumaticity, if that's even a word. Maybe because I never experience it before.
Ten months ago, I joined a singing competition. It was one of the best life changing experience for me. I met new good friends or in fact, a new family. It's true that one wise man said, "Friendship is not about how long you've known each other or how much fights you've had. What matters is who said, I'll be there for you," and always was and still is." All of us had just been together for a couple of weeks but we were already like brothers and sisters. We had fun together during or outside of our classes, while busking around the city, we cried and comfort each other when we pour out our hearts, we had fights but I am sure deep inside, we never wanted the days were over.
I was very closed to one of these guys. I respect him as a brother or better yet because he was my boss, obviously. He became more than just a boss. We share lots of things about ourselves - our childhood memories, our problems, our likes and dislikes, our hobbies and even relationship. We spent a lot of time together even after the competition ended. It was like we have been known each other very long. He has done lots of noble things and good deeds which is why I looked up to him so much. He comes from a rich family yet he is so humble. For someone his age and has a lot to manage in his life being a young CEO to multiple companies, he is a tough guy not to mention that he is also smart. He has everything that I wanted in myself. The togetherness that he has.
But he said he was lonely. He told me he had a girlfriend but it did not worked out. Being a businessman, he meets tons of people but never get the chance to take another relationship further. As in a very special relationship. At least that was what he told me. It is not easy for him because of the position he is in. We sleep in the same bed, of course we did some pillow talks before we go to sleep. As we went on, I figured that, because he has helped me a lot, uncountable lots, I should return the favour by being the best company I can to him.
I was signed to the newly established music label after the competition. I did not win but I was in the top six who made it to the final. Thanks to him. There were so many things happened after the competition which I can't really tell here but it's rather unnecessary anyway. After all of the things he had done for me, the more I think that I should be there listening to him. I myself is helpless, that's all I could do for him. Listen. And also do what I can do best for the music label - singing in shows, attend the vocal classes, practice and practice.
That was when I started to feel I'm stuck. I needed my space back. As much I want to return the favour, I wanted my personal space back. Even after that, I was surprise because I was getting the words that implies that people were being cynical about us being really close. But I did not react. Because I believe in what it really was. It was merely, me being under the contract with the company's music label, happened to be living together with him in the company house, no one I am really close with in town, not even my cousins to go out with, I have no transport to move by my own - so that was all I can do, I just had to follow him around. And the most important part is, I was returning the favour. But I was glad some friends understand my situation.
One night in September, something happened.
I can't even begin to tell how it started. Even to tell no one but this blog, need a lot of courage and emotion control.
I was sleeping. When I woke up because I felt someone is touching me, I was lying on my back, pillow on top of my face. I was instantly freshed. I remember I was so shocked that my heart pumped uncontrollably. I can hear it in my ear. I gulped a few times but I was trying to control the sound of it because I didn't want him to know that I'm awake. I don't know why. Maybe because I didn't want him to feel bad or maybe I didn't want to feel awkward if we both realize what happened. I just didn't know what to do but stunned in my position for a period of time before I collect myself together and decided to roll around pretending to moan in my sleep or whatsoever to deviate his hand from my thigh. And I did roll around but my heart was racing still. It was around 3 in the morning and my nightmare lasted almost an hour.
In the morning when we woke up, I acted like nothing had happen. I was more than furious than I was shocked by that time but I could still keep my composure. That morning, I had to follow him to his office because he was going to send me to my vocal class later in the afternoon. I was silent all the way, I was annoyed by the questions he asked as he was trying to make a conversation. I don't know if he knew that I was awake the whole night after it happened. I don't know if he even realize that I knew. Or maybe he really thought that I was asleep and really rolled around like someone who's really in a deep sleep.
In the class, I did bad. I thought I did the best I could but it wasn't. As usual, being the boss and supervisor in the same time, he was sitting there and watching me practice, as he would do to the others as well. I was feeling the pressure getting into me. Out of nowhere, before I even knew it, both of them were lecturing me, asking me how much I wanted this, telling me that if I don't want this, I shouldn't waste their times, because there are lots of talents out there who want this more than I do, how it takes hardwork and determination to stand out from others, how I was being so closed if I have any problem that I should be more open and tell them what I want for my music et cetera.
I took a seat and keep my composure and just listen to what they have to say although in the same time I was more than upset. I was more than furious. I wanted to burst out in anger but I could keep myself together. I was up all morning because of the event and I didn't have enough rest and I was also tired. What they were saying, it's all the truth except that I have been open up myself to the boss ever since I joined the competition. Maybe not everything but not every single thing is meant to be shared. There are things, that should remain secret. It's just the way it is.
After they slowed down a little, I was still above my head. Thousands of thoughts running through my mind. I could really feel the blood rushing in my veins. I was still holding back my anger. In the same time, I wanted to burst out in tears. I didn't know what it was for but I know I was so down. And so I pull myself together and asked my teacher if we had finished the class. As soon as she said, yes, I immediately grabbed my bag and stormed out the door. I went to the nearest shopping malls and lingered around all by myself, trying to shake things off of my head. I stayed there for a couple of hours figuring out what I should do. It feels like time were limited for me. I was a mess.
Thinking that I just got my driving license, I thought I should rent a car. And I did. I wanted to rent only for a few hours because of my limited money but I couldn't find any. So I rented for a whole 24 hours. I went to the beach, I went to see my friend, I went to another malls. That night, I stayed over at a good friend's place. I was thinking to stay at my cousin's but they already have enough people in the house. I really wouldn't want them to bother about me. Maybe it's easier to socialize with friends than your own family. It is, for me. And so, my friend he was the one I came out to about what happened. I feel like a part of the burden has been lifted off of me but it was still there. I didn't know if I should cry or what.
The next morning, I went to see my grandparents from Miri who happened to be in town for some business my aunt had to help them with. I brought them around. I felt like at peace but inside I am crumbling asking for help but I just could not let it show yet. I really did not know what to do. After sending my grandparents at my cousin's, I drove wherever I told myself to go. When the time had come for me to send the car back to its owner, I was in a mall, so he picked the car there and I was nowhere to go. It was raining heavily.
Suddenly, I received a text from my brother saying that he's in town for job training and he was staying at the hotel nearby and he asked me if I can bring him around. I feel like the universe is being sympathetic towards me, hence sending all my family near me. Unfortunately, I just sent my car and couldn't see him right away. I wanted to go back to the company house to pack my stuff but I didn't have enough money with me to take a cab and I was alone waiting and hoping there would be at least a public bus passing by so I can go to see my brother. I wait for almost an hour. I cried, literally cried at the bus stop. Not because it was getting dark and there seem to be no bus will pass by but I was crying wondering why was this happening to me.
I took a whole lot of courage in those couple of days. I took another one by texting the boss, asking why he was doing what he was doing and he said he don't know what I was talking about. He said he was probably doing it in his sleep, he didn't realize it and he apologized. But I knew for a fact it was not something people could do in their sleep. A hand was moving little by little on my thigh and another hand was caressing my arm below my armpit. And after I rolled around avoiding his hand from reaching somewhere else, being in the same bed, I could feel and hear he went off the bed and take his phone and put it back on the table. Even when I had a pillow on top my face, I still could had a peek. I am sure he was fully awake. And even after, he was trying to get his hand back on but eventually stopped. I just really think that perhaps he didn't know I was awake the whole time.
So, I hopped in on one bus which luckily on a route back to the bus station which passing the hotel my brother was staying in. I hung out with my brother for awhile to keep myself busy while still figuring out how and what to do. I hadn't shower for a day. I took a quick shower at my friend's in the morning because I literally had nothing with me. I didn't want to go back to the company house because I didn't want to face the boss. But later the night before, he texted me, telling me he's staying at his cousin's and he's travelling the next day and asking me to go back because no one will be looking after the company house. But I didn't go back and stayed over at my friend's instead.
So early the second night I haven't settled. But deep inside, I wanted to give it all up and go home to see my family. So I decided. I get help from my friend to transport me back and forth, from the hotel and went back to the company house and pack my bags as fast as I could as if I was running from somebody who is coming after me. I left nothing except a message pretty much saying, I quit. And then my friend sent me to the intercity bus station and I bought a one way ticket home. My family have no idea.
It was sad, really. Being in the music label was probably the only way to realize my long time dream. I'm 24 and it's not easy to find an opportunity like that. But I just can't go back there. My song was already halfway finished but I just couldn't do it. I completely lost interest in it. Somehow now I feel bad for walking away just like that because the fact that I have met lots of people who probably expecting for the song and I don't know what to tell people when they're asking about the song. I'm sad and upset but I have no regrets.
I envy my friends who are still in the label, the label got them into shows, one of them gets to work with renowned composers, one of them is now working on his second record. I'm envious but I'm happy for them because they didn't have to go through what I went through and also because they are on the journey to become successful performers. Some of them who are not under the label also making a good progress on their own. As for me, I'm back to my old self. I'm learning guitar from Youtube tutorials, making covers and sing in the shower. And trying to pull myself together and figure out what I can do for myself.
I wish I can delete memories so that I wouldn't get anymore flashbacks but it can never happen that way.
In the morning when we woke up, I acted like nothing had happen. I was more than furious than I was shocked by that time but I could still keep my composure. That morning, I had to follow him to his office because he was going to send me to my vocal class later in the afternoon. I was silent all the way, I was annoyed by the questions he asked as he was trying to make a conversation. I don't know if he knew that I was awake the whole night after it happened. I don't know if he even realize that I knew. Or maybe he really thought that I was asleep and really rolled around like someone who's really in a deep sleep.
In the class, I did bad. I thought I did the best I could but it wasn't. As usual, being the boss and supervisor in the same time, he was sitting there and watching me practice, as he would do to the others as well. I was feeling the pressure getting into me. Out of nowhere, before I even knew it, both of them were lecturing me, asking me how much I wanted this, telling me that if I don't want this, I shouldn't waste their times, because there are lots of talents out there who want this more than I do, how it takes hardwork and determination to stand out from others, how I was being so closed if I have any problem that I should be more open and tell them what I want for my music et cetera.
I took a seat and keep my composure and just listen to what they have to say although in the same time I was more than upset. I was more than furious. I wanted to burst out in anger but I could keep myself together. I was up all morning because of the event and I didn't have enough rest and I was also tired. What they were saying, it's all the truth except that I have been open up myself to the boss ever since I joined the competition. Maybe not everything but not every single thing is meant to be shared. There are things, that should remain secret. It's just the way it is.
After they slowed down a little, I was still above my head. Thousands of thoughts running through my mind. I could really feel the blood rushing in my veins. I was still holding back my anger. In the same time, I wanted to burst out in tears. I didn't know what it was for but I know I was so down. And so I pull myself together and asked my teacher if we had finished the class. As soon as she said, yes, I immediately grabbed my bag and stormed out the door. I went to the nearest shopping malls and lingered around all by myself, trying to shake things off of my head. I stayed there for a couple of hours figuring out what I should do. It feels like time were limited for me. I was a mess.
Thinking that I just got my driving license, I thought I should rent a car. And I did. I wanted to rent only for a few hours because of my limited money but I couldn't find any. So I rented for a whole 24 hours. I went to the beach, I went to see my friend, I went to another malls. That night, I stayed over at a good friend's place. I was thinking to stay at my cousin's but they already have enough people in the house. I really wouldn't want them to bother about me. Maybe it's easier to socialize with friends than your own family. It is, for me. And so, my friend he was the one I came out to about what happened. I feel like a part of the burden has been lifted off of me but it was still there. I didn't know if I should cry or what.
The next morning, I went to see my grandparents from Miri who happened to be in town for some business my aunt had to help them with. I brought them around. I felt like at peace but inside I am crumbling asking for help but I just could not let it show yet. I really did not know what to do. After sending my grandparents at my cousin's, I drove wherever I told myself to go. When the time had come for me to send the car back to its owner, I was in a mall, so he picked the car there and I was nowhere to go. It was raining heavily.
I took a whole lot of courage in those couple of days. I took another one by texting the boss, asking why he was doing what he was doing and he said he don't know what I was talking about. He said he was probably doing it in his sleep, he didn't realize it and he apologized. But I knew for a fact it was not something people could do in their sleep. A hand was moving little by little on my thigh and another hand was caressing my arm below my armpit. And after I rolled around avoiding his hand from reaching somewhere else, being in the same bed, I could feel and hear he went off the bed and take his phone and put it back on the table. Even when I had a pillow on top my face, I still could had a peek. I am sure he was fully awake. And even after, he was trying to get his hand back on but eventually stopped. I just really think that perhaps he didn't know I was awake the whole time.
So, I hopped in on one bus which luckily on a route back to the bus station which passing the hotel my brother was staying in. I hung out with my brother for awhile to keep myself busy while still figuring out how and what to do. I hadn't shower for a day. I took a quick shower at my friend's in the morning because I literally had nothing with me. I didn't want to go back to the company house because I didn't want to face the boss. But later the night before, he texted me, telling me he's staying at his cousin's and he's travelling the next day and asking me to go back because no one will be looking after the company house. But I didn't go back and stayed over at my friend's instead.
So early the second night I haven't settled. But deep inside, I wanted to give it all up and go home to see my family. So I decided. I get help from my friend to transport me back and forth, from the hotel and went back to the company house and pack my bags as fast as I could as if I was running from somebody who is coming after me. I left nothing except a message pretty much saying, I quit. And then my friend sent me to the intercity bus station and I bought a one way ticket home. My family have no idea.
It was sad, really. Being in the music label was probably the only way to realize my long time dream. I'm 24 and it's not easy to find an opportunity like that. But I just can't go back there. My song was already halfway finished but I just couldn't do it. I completely lost interest in it. Somehow now I feel bad for walking away just like that because the fact that I have met lots of people who probably expecting for the song and I don't know what to tell people when they're asking about the song. I'm sad and upset but I have no regrets.
I envy my friends who are still in the label, the label got them into shows, one of them gets to work with renowned composers, one of them is now working on his second record. I'm envious but I'm happy for them because they didn't have to go through what I went through and also because they are on the journey to become successful performers. Some of them who are not under the label also making a good progress on their own. As for me, I'm back to my old self. I'm learning guitar from Youtube tutorials, making covers and sing in the shower. And trying to pull myself together and figure out what I can do for myself.
I wish I can delete memories so that I wouldn't get anymore flashbacks but it can never happen that way.
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